jesouhaite47 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jesouhaite47) wrote2004-07-19 09:47 am
jesouhaite47) wrote2004-07-19 09:47 am
Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving!
I need an icon that says that - seriously. Because, dude - I so am!
My friends RAWK!! Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes. I'm trying to go back and respond to each one, but forgive me if I miss some. My internet connection was still wonky at home (though I think it's fixed now), so I couldn't do it as I saw them. You all are too sweet to me.
In addition to the sweet messages, I got birthday porn!! I'm the luckiest girl in the world.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mga1999 tied Vaughn to the bed for me (and smut involving Vaughn's tie is forever my bulletproof kink), littlehands gave me shower!smut (also on my top 5 list of favorite smut scenarios), and autobadgirl is in the process of writing me phone sex in the Mike/Wendy universe. Squeeee!!! In addition to the smut, I got gorgeous birthday cards made by some of my favorite artists: jujubinha, katiqua, memento1, putinthespark, ranee42, and Tere. I'm truly blessed.
My birthday itself was good. The party was fun, I got a good buzz, J. sang me his version of Happy Birthday, and there was chocolate cake. What more could I ask for?
I know I've been apprehensive (to say the least) about turning 30, but in the last week or so, I've made peace with it.
I've been moaning over the end of my 20's (at least in my head) for the last few months. I got intospective this past week, though, and started really thinking about it. I had to ask myself, would I really want to be 20 or even 25 again? Even though I was definitely thinner and cuter then, my answer was a resounding hell no!!
I was lamenting the loss of my 20's because when I was 20, or even 22, life was all possibility. My path wasn't set - I could be whatever I wanted, live whereever I wanted, and I just knew that whatever I did, I would be a huge success. Ah, the hubris of youth. And here I am now, at 30, thinking "this is my life. This is my family. This is my house. This is my job." I've failed miserably at several things (not the least of which was grad school). The endless possibility is no longer there, and my life at 30 isn't what I thought it would be when I was 20. But just because it's different, doesn't mean it's not wonderful.
I have an amazing family - a husband who loves me and a son I adore. My house might not be the proverbial mansion on the hill, and I might not be the world's best decorator, but I'm 30 years old, it's the 2nd house I've owned, and it's a good home. My marriage isn't perfect. I often find myself struggling to find happiness in it. But I know how lucky I am to have what I have, both with hubby and with J.
Profesionally, I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be, but it's turned out really well. 7 years ago when I decided to leave grad school, I had no idea how to get where I wanted to go career wise. I had a degree, but since I had been planning on getting my PhD, no practical job skills. I started here as an Administrative Assistant and after a few months, I knew the job I wanted. 5 years and 4 promotions later (to Specialist, Coordinator, Manager, and finally Director), I have that job. Some of the reason why I have this job was a combination of luck and being in the right place at the right time. But 2 years after getting it, I've had major successes that even my counterparts in other states (who've been doing this ALOT longer) haven't attained. I still have a lot to learn, my job gets incredibly frustrating, and I'm scared to death on a weekly (ok, daily) basis, but that's a good thing. The possibility isn't over - there's so much possibility for me to grow, and learn, and change. It's not the same possiblity and potential that it was when I was 20, but that's ok!
I also remembered that being 20 (or 25) wasn't idyllic. The feeling that "the world is all possiblity" literally gave me an ulcer because I wasn't settled. I wasn't sure where my life was going, and that was nerve-wracking. I felt like I was waiting for my life to start instead of actually living it. I'm living it now, and that is so cool. I also forgot how much it sucks not having any money. When I couldn't buy that DVD I wanted because my paycheck just didn't stretch that far. Now, we're not rich by any stretch of the imagination, and hubby does make more than I do. But, I contribute 40% of our household income and while we have more bills (kids cost a lot of money!), I can buy that DVD when I want to. At 20, I thought I knew what love was, what heartache was, what joy was. I had no clue. I thought I knew what it meant to be independent, to make hard decisions. Boy, did I learn the hard way that I had no idea!
OK, the "thinner and cuter" thing is still a hard one to reconcile, but damn it, I'm proud to be 30! It's not like I've lived the last 10 (or even 30) years in vain - I have alot to show for it. I've accomplished things. I've learned so much, and I have so much that can only be gained with age - experience, wisdom, credibility. Are there things about my life I would change if I could? In a heartbeat. But my age would not be one of them.
Well, that was like, Tolstoy long. Sorry about that. ::sheepish::
Anyway, thanks again for the birthday wishes! You have no idea how loved I felt hearing from all of you!!
My friends RAWK!! Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes. I'm trying to go back and respond to each one, but forgive me if I miss some. My internet connection was still wonky at home (though I think it's fixed now), so I couldn't do it as I saw them. You all are too sweet to me.
In addition to the sweet messages, I got birthday porn!! I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
mga1999 tied Vaughn to the bed for me (and smut involving Vaughn's tie is forever my bulletproof kink), littlehands gave me shower!smut (also on my top 5 list of favorite smut scenarios), and autobadgirl is in the process of writing me phone sex in the Mike/Wendy universe. Squeeee!!! In addition to the smut, I got gorgeous birthday cards made by some of my favorite artists: jujubinha, katiqua, memento1, putinthespark, ranee42, and Tere. I'm truly blessed.My birthday itself was good. The party was fun, I got a good buzz, J. sang me his version of Happy Birthday, and there was chocolate cake. What more could I ask for?
I know I've been apprehensive (to say the least) about turning 30, but in the last week or so, I've made peace with it.
I've been moaning over the end of my 20's (at least in my head) for the last few months. I got intospective this past week, though, and started really thinking about it. I had to ask myself, would I really want to be 20 or even 25 again? Even though I was definitely thinner and cuter then, my answer was a resounding hell no!!
I was lamenting the loss of my 20's because when I was 20, or even 22, life was all possibility. My path wasn't set - I could be whatever I wanted, live whereever I wanted, and I just knew that whatever I did, I would be a huge success. Ah, the hubris of youth. And here I am now, at 30, thinking "this is my life. This is my family. This is my house. This is my job." I've failed miserably at several things (not the least of which was grad school). The endless possibility is no longer there, and my life at 30 isn't what I thought it would be when I was 20. But just because it's different, doesn't mean it's not wonderful.
I have an amazing family - a husband who loves me and a son I adore. My house might not be the proverbial mansion on the hill, and I might not be the world's best decorator, but I'm 30 years old, it's the 2nd house I've owned, and it's a good home. My marriage isn't perfect. I often find myself struggling to find happiness in it. But I know how lucky I am to have what I have, both with hubby and with J.
Profesionally, I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be, but it's turned out really well. 7 years ago when I decided to leave grad school, I had no idea how to get where I wanted to go career wise. I had a degree, but since I had been planning on getting my PhD, no practical job skills. I started here as an Administrative Assistant and after a few months, I knew the job I wanted. 5 years and 4 promotions later (to Specialist, Coordinator, Manager, and finally Director), I have that job. Some of the reason why I have this job was a combination of luck and being in the right place at the right time. But 2 years after getting it, I've had major successes that even my counterparts in other states (who've been doing this ALOT longer) haven't attained. I still have a lot to learn, my job gets incredibly frustrating, and I'm scared to death on a weekly (ok, daily) basis, but that's a good thing. The possibility isn't over - there's so much possibility for me to grow, and learn, and change. It's not the same possiblity and potential that it was when I was 20, but that's ok!
I also remembered that being 20 (or 25) wasn't idyllic. The feeling that "the world is all possiblity" literally gave me an ulcer because I wasn't settled. I wasn't sure where my life was going, and that was nerve-wracking. I felt like I was waiting for my life to start instead of actually living it. I'm living it now, and that is so cool. I also forgot how much it sucks not having any money. When I couldn't buy that DVD I wanted because my paycheck just didn't stretch that far. Now, we're not rich by any stretch of the imagination, and hubby does make more than I do. But, I contribute 40% of our household income and while we have more bills (kids cost a lot of money!), I can buy that DVD when I want to. At 20, I thought I knew what love was, what heartache was, what joy was. I had no clue. I thought I knew what it meant to be independent, to make hard decisions. Boy, did I learn the hard way that I had no idea!
OK, the "thinner and cuter" thing is still a hard one to reconcile, but damn it, I'm proud to be 30! It's not like I've lived the last 10 (or even 30) years in vain - I have alot to show for it. I've accomplished things. I've learned so much, and I have so much that can only be gained with age - experience, wisdom, credibility. Are there things about my life I would change if I could? In a heartbeat. But my age would not be one of them.
Well, that was like, Tolstoy long. Sorry about that. ::sheepish::
Anyway, thanks again for the birthday wishes! You have no idea how loved I felt hearing from all of you!!
no subject
I also remembered that being 20 (or 25) wasn't idyllic. The feeling that "the world is all possiblity" literally gave me an ulcer because I wasn't settled. I wasn't sure where my life was going, and that was nerve-wracking. I felt like I was waiting for my life to start instead of actually living it.
Okay, could you have just described my life as it stands any more perfectly? I don't know what's going on with it...and I feel that way...to the T. It was really cool to hear you talk about all that. So, thanks for sharing. Gives me a glimmer of hope about my future and a bit of peace about the fact that life seems to get better, the older you get.
*hug*
Again, glad you had a good birthday! <3
Any chocolate cake left?! ;)
no subject
::hugs:: I'm so glad it gave you a little hope. I'm not sure if life actually does get better, or if I'm just more able to make peace with my life now that I'm older. It's hard to say.
Any chocolate cake left?! ;)
There was half a cake left after the party. My drunken husband ate over half of that Saturday night (the fiend!!), and I just finished it off after lunch. Sorry!! I'll send you some virtual chocolate cake instead. Yummmmmm.....